Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
