i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
