Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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