So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Drunk is not a location!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
