I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
