he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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