you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
