She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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