my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
