I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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