The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
