Swine flu is the new snow day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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