my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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