Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just google imaged poop.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
