Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
