i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
