At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
