i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
