Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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