Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
