I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
