my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
