I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
