i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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