I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
