whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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