At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
