Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
