Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
They took my balls.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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