So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
