So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
