ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
