Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I need a beard to bite.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
