there's paper in my vomit.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
