What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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