For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
