The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I want a musical about memes.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
