Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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