I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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