I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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