I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
