Just fell off a train. Bad.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
