Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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