I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
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Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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