i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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