You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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