I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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