I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
