He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
