You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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