You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
