What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
