Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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