she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
